You know you’re a mum when:
2 You come home from visiting your best friend, your partner asks how she is and you have no idea. You’ve spent the afternoon breaking up fights, cleaning up spills and interrupting every sentence with “NO! Don’t do that!”
4 You start referring to 7am as ‘a long lie’
5 Your reflexes become superhuman – you can catch a small child as they run onto the road using only the sound of their footsteps.
7 Nakedness is no longer odd, sexy or even slightly unusual.
8 Every time you open a kitchen cupboard, a packet of Hula Hoops falls out.
9 Every time a packet of Hula Hoops falls out a cupboard you catch it with your superhuman reflexes.
10 You have a playlist called “Chillout” and you play it top volume to drown out the screaming.
12 Your car, once your pride and joy, smells like McDonalds, has at least three jackets in the boot and has snacks stored in every pocket.
13 You no longer buy heels. Or anything white.
14 You spend a lot of time sitting in your car, eating snacks, because someone is finally asleep in the back.
16 You’ve started visiting Poundland because they have cheap stickers and no one cares if your kids run riot.
17 You used to go to parks for a run – or, centuries ago, to have a sneaky fag or snog. Now you’re there every day, bargaining with a toddler who’s stripped half naked and lain down on a bench.
18 Even though you’re finally realising you’re an adult and should have a Drinks Cabinet – the booze never hangs around long enough for you to create one.
19 You’ve become very tidy, simply because your children eat mess.
20 You used to eat out frequently, now you’re lucky to eat a McDonalds with a decent view.
21 You are obsessed with keys.
22 Any dreams you had of a flower-filled garden have been crushed.
23 You’ve stopped buying newspapers (no time to read them), watching the news channel (drowned out by wails for Peppa Pig) or even listening to it on the radio after your child started paying attention and asking awkward questions you’re so not ready to deal with.
25 You’ve mastered that quiet scary voice your mum always used to make you shit yourself.
26 You get overexcited when you finally get a night out and inevitably get too drunk and slightly disgrace yourself.
27 You are no longer woken by an alarm clock. You’re woken by a headlock.
28 You don’t even put up a fight any more when a small child wants to do your makeup.
29 You always carry wipes – even to business meetings. Hell, especially to business meetings. Is that banana or shit on your sleeve?
30 You bribe your children for the smallest thing – even five minutes of no fighting is totally worth two brand new bumper sticker books.
31 Interiors decisions are no longer based on aesthetics, they’re based on durability, wipeability and whether they can be glued back together.
33 You do occasionally get overwhelmed with love:
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