Muffies – an easy to ignore recipe

IMG_4680My sister and I were moaning that we had no cakes or biscuits to munch after dinner last night.

“Let’s make some!” she said. So we did. Kind of. Here’s the recipe for Muffies:

You will need:

• to unpack a smoothie machine from the boxes as the food processor will be too far down

• An incomplete set of mixing spoons – mls are the same as grams after all

• to set the oven at 160 then ignore all further instructions


150ml of self raising flour

some cocoa powder

a cup of unsalted butter (but Lurpak will do)

half a cup Muscovado sugar (brown sugar will do)

Chocolate buttons (chopped Cadbury’s fingers will do)

One egg (or two)

Porridge oats (not really, but we had oatsosimple apple and cinnamon ones which fell in)


Fling everything in the smoothie maker. Don’t worry if some of the butter splatters on the wall, you’re only renting the house, not selling it.

Turn smoothie maker on long enough to wake a child, but not long enough to mix any ingredients

Insert plastic mixing rod (but not while blades are spinning)

Empty unmixed contents into washed salad bowl

Use a whisk

“Double” all ingredients. Ish

Add more flour to poo-like mixture

Add more flour

Add Nutella. Why not

Add another egg

Add more flour

Abandon whisk

Get in amongst it with your fingers

Freak out because mixture is under your nails

Add more flour

Decide it’s fine, they’ll be muffins, not cookies. Muffies.

Unearth muffin tin

[Here you may like to hold some water in your mouth and play innunendo bingo]

Spoon mixture into tin but don’t let it touch the sides, it will expand.

You’ll get slimy fingers but it will be worth it.

Add a dollop of Nutella to centre of each muffie then add a lid

Prick the muffies

Cook for about 20 mins. Or so.

biscuit making



Add nutella (too much flour)

Eat with a cup of tea

Decide they’re delicious and mourn the fact the process can never truly be repeated.



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